The Megiloth Manifesto - Part 2

Written: 06/13/03

This entry is extremely long, but poignant. It involves something that happened a couple weeks ago between me and my former (best) friend, so feel free to skip it. If you don't want sucked into the drama, then skip it.

What I get out of our final exchange is that I'm the one who has changed, and that's an awful thing. So exactly how have I changed? I seriously have been thinking about that since that night, and I'm still not sure what he meant by that. I can only imagine that he's referring to the beginnings of our former friendship, and not the time that he moved to the Left Coast, which was what I was referring to. I've been thinking of major ways that I've changed since the Summer of 1988, and this is what I've come up with. Ready? Good.

Change # 1 - I'm an asshole and a cold-hearted bastard. It has been inferred that ever since I separated (Honorably) from the Marine Corps, I've turned into someone who hates people and am nothing but a dick. In some respects that's true. But bear with me here. I joined the Marine Corps just prior to my Senior year in High school. Besides the obvious physical and emotional changes that I've gone through since I was 17 years old (which would have occurred whether or not I joined the Corps), there were definitely things that were instilled in me during my 4 years of service. A sense of discipline, honor, and pride in who I am, what I've accomplished, and what I will continue to accomplish in the years to come. It seems a bit of a cliché, but it's true..."Adapt and Overcome". I've been through my share of bullshit while I was in, and I've dealt with people who were only being dicks because they had more stripes than me, or they had shiny collars. I've accomplished more things than I ever imagined I would be able to do. Not only in a physical sense, but an educational sense. There wasn't a physical challenge that I couldn't complete (endurance runs, 30 mile humps, racing up Mount Motherfucker, the gas chamber, etc), and I did complete 8 months of intense training in the 2800 field, Electronics Technician/Cable Systems Specialist (fiber optic/coax/aerial and underground installation). I also never thought I could consistently hit a bullseye at 500 meters with an M-16.

So, if all that was so great, why did I get out? Simple. I'm too much of an individualist to have every single waking moment of my life dictated to me by someone else. I have put up with more bullshit and mind-games than the average person should have to endure. Because of that, I suppose my proverbial spring is wound a little tighter than most, so because I've been through a lot more, I can subsequently deal with a lot more. Most incidents, I let slide off me, like water off a duck's back. Yes, I get irritated with job related issues, but after certain things I have put up with in the past, these current issues don't hold a candle.

In short, my military experience taught me not to put up with stupid, petty bullshit, people's attitudes, and negativism. I'm intolerant of morons. I'm confident, and if people take that to mean I'm cocky, then so be it. If me not taking too kindly to being dumped on and voicing my opinion on the topic is being an asshole, then I'm guilty. If ending a whole, whopping 2 month friendship with a roommate he once fawned over is being a cold-hearted bastard, then I'm guilty.

Change # 2 - I'm a corporate whore. This remark seemed to have its origins in late 1998, when I cut my hair. I used to have long hair (typical deathmetal look) until I came to the realization that a negative stereotype exists among companies when it comes to guys with long hair, even if it is pulled back in a pony tail, like mine was. If I am to get anywhere as far as my career is concerned, I would need to cut my hair and stop wearing the sweatpants/combat boots combo to work. I began to feel more confident and people started treating me with more respect and professionalism. There was always this insinuation that I'm a sell-out and that I only did it to make more money. You're damn right I did. All I know is since that time, I'm making over twice as much now than I did before I cut my hair and started dressing up for work. I've earned the respect of my peers, past and present, and I have a nice network of friends in the field, past and present.

What led up to that change? The previous year (July 1997), my Mom died. Yes, I was living on my own for a couple of years prior to that, but when I ran into financial difficulty, I could rely on her to help me out...providing I paid her back within a decent timeframe. I got the house, and along came other bills that I started paying. Sure, I got some insurance money to help out, but eventually that would run out if I didn't kick myself in the ass and get motivated in bettering myself. I had nobody to fall back on except for myself at this point. I started interviewing at places while I still had the long hair, and I could immediately tell by the look on their collective faces that they frowned upon that. I could be all sorts of rebellious and make comments like, "If they don't hire me because of my long hair or the way I dress, then to hell with them." In theory that sounds great. It sounds like you are really sticking to your guns and making a stand for what you think is right. In reality, your ass is getting passed up for the next person who is just as qualified, but takes some pride in their personal appearance when trying to make a first impression with a prospective employer.

If changing the length of my hair and wearing nice clothes to work is being a corporate whore, then I am guilty of this also. If working tons of overtime and working for others (aka: more overtime) is being a corporate whore, then I'm a corporate cock-sucking motherfucker. Does showing up for work when my tummy hurts, instead of calling in sick, make me a corporate whore? Obviously it must...BUT you don't see me constantly worrying about where my next house payment or car payment is going to come from. I know what kind of lifestyle I can afford, and I do what I can to achieve that level of success. I don't spend more than what I bring in, and I don't max out my credit card. Sometimes I even have a little leftover spending money to treat friends to a good time. Not because I want to show off how much money I have. I do it because I love my friends, and if they can't afford certain things, I'm willing to help out when I can. I've helped out my friends in dire times of need, and even their friends, who I didn't even know. He of all people should know that.

Change # 3 - Getting an Education. Just as I'm the first Marine in the family, I will also be the first one to go to college and get a degree. This kind of ties back in with the idea of me being a corporate whore. As a Computer Operator who has a great deal of experience with AS/400, UNIX, and Mainframe, I've gone about as far as I can go in this field. Sure, I could be satisfied with my current job/salary and not want to move on. I could be happy in doing what I'm doing now for the next 20 years. I could remain stagnant in my career and just wait for raises to come down the pike. For some people that may work just fine. Not for me. I want to be able to afford nice stuff. I want a nice car. I want a nice house. I want nice clothes. I want to go to nice restaurants. Basically, I want to be able to do whatever I please, whenever I please, and not have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck. I've been down that road, and you can have it. I'm not relying on old and outdated skills to carry through to the next job. As technology advances, so will my knowledge of the products I will be using in my current job, and eventually my future job.

For those of you who don't know, I'm pursuing my degree in Computer Science with emphasis in Database Administration. I have a nice plan already worked out on where to go from here, how to get there, how long I want to do this, and most of all...how I can accomplish this. The first step is getting my degree. From there, I'm going to have to be the one that sets that plan into motion.

Having a degree is just one more thing that will help me in future job searches. Maybe some people have succeeded without that little piece of paper, I'm not willing to bet my future on my current skills and lack of continued education.

That's honestly all I can think of on a major scale. There are other things that don't rate quite the loquacious rhetoric, such as the following:

Smoking - I started smoking during Operation Desert Storm. Maybe a pack a day until I got out of the Corps in the Summer of 1993, when I quit cold turkey. I started again in the Summer of 1996. Maybe a half pack a day. I now only have 2 or 3 Kamel Reds a day. However since he hates smokers and was always a whiny little bitch about them in public, I guess this is one thing that sets him off.

Drinking - I have a beer every day. No biggie. Except for this last time back in February, when I got completely shitfaced on Tequila, I honestly don't recall the last time I got that drunk. I may have a good buzz now and then after a few drinks, but nothing quite to the extent of my last year in the Marine Corps. Leaving bars and being blinded by the sunlight...sucks. Waking up in an alley out in town...sucks. Passing out behind the barracks because I couldn't stay sober enough to make it down the hill without rolling...sucks. It took all that combined to get me to slow waaaaay down. I know I don't have a problem, but because he's a xStraightEdgerx and doesn't drink, that makes him better than the rest of us.

Women - I'm a red-blooded American male, and I like pussy. I love women. I love their eyes, their lips, their breasts, their navals, their ass, their legs, their calves, and of course...that little special place. I love the way they feel. I love the way they smell. I love the way they taste. I like 'em thin, but I have nothing against a woman with "a little meat on her bones". Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads, it doesn't matter to me. I know what I like. I don't look at women as objects. I like Andrew Dice Clay, and I think he's funny...but IT'S A FUCKING ACT!!! I'm hardly a misogynist. I treat them as though I would like to be treated. I'm not into any weird shit. At one time, I used to be shy...and to a certain extent I still am, but I'm more comfortable around women than I used to be. Maybe he's annoyed that I stopped talking to him when I did have that "someone special". Who knows. I'm more sexual and flirtatious than I used to be. If this is a change he's referring to...all I can say is that he's no innocent, little flower of chastity and virtue himself.

So, there we have it. This is what I've dug up in thinking about how I've changed. Even though I've scoured the far reaches of my brain housing group, according to him, I've only "scratched the surface". I would really be intrigued to know what I'm missing here. I'm still a metalhead, and have drifted to the fringes of that genre (death/black/grind/etc). I still have a warped sense of humor. I still love slasher films. I still use naughty words like Fuck, Shit, Cock, Ass, etc. I'm still a Conservative Republican. I'm still a gun owner.

What is it that I'm missing here? I suppose it doesn't matter now anyway, now does it. After all, he's the one that burned that bridge. That just makes it that much harder to save his ass the next time he's jobless.

Yes I have changed, for the better I might add. I've grown up. Therefore, this is the Changed/Grown Up me signing off for now. In the meantime, I'll continue to "FUCK OFF AND DIE"

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