Computer Operator Job Requirements

• Know everything about computers, business, training, programming, hardware support and do everything, including forecast 5-15 years into the future.
• Should have at least completed grade school equivalency.
• Should be able to count to 21 without dropping your pants (Males and Hermaphrodites only).
• Have 20 years Windows NT experience, with 20 more years of computer experience, to include 10 years hands-on of Windows 2000.
• Have the ability to troubleshoot software running on Windows 3.1 or early versions of DOS.  While you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to brush up on your Pascal.  We refuse to upgrade our equipment, so your skills in outdated software is beneficial.
• Be willing to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 
• Must be willing to work for starvation wages and feel privileged to be able to work with all of the equipment.
• Must be trustworthy, honest, kind and above all thrifty.
• Should be proficient in understanding error messages on fax machines and photocopiers.
• Should also be proficient in clearing jams in fax machines and photocopiers.
• Must understand overtime is a luxury "we can not afford."
• The ability to adlib with vendors as if you actually know what the 20 screens of hardware error messages are, when your senior technicians don't feel like coming in during the weekends.
• Should be willing to read these 20 screens of messages over the phone to a senior technician who will assuredly request you read it back to him about half way through.
• Minimal psychic abilities are helpful.  When users can't find a file, you should know the file name and where it went to.  These abilities will also need to be tapped into when determining which support personnel  to call at 3:00 AM  for the departments that never send on-call information.
• Recognize difference between backup media and a cleaning tape of the same variety before sending them offsite for 7 years.
• Must be responsible.  We grant you enough user authority to stop the company in it's tracks...but just don't reset your password; this is a security breach.
• Should be able to write 30 pages of documentation for every 10 minutes of installation work (spending no more than 10 minutes doing this documentation). 
• Requires an even temperament, realizing that the Computer Operator is a servant to all, master of none. 
• Should be able to learn any software package in 10 minutes, so as to perform a one day training seminar scheduled for NOW. 
• Must be willing to work in a converted closet with no windows or ventilation. 
• Must be willing to wear a beeper, or carry a Nextel, to the bathroom. 
• Should not suggest that the Operations Department change ANYTHING.  We've been doing it this way for 10 years, so there's no need to change.  Besides our Accountants really do look through those 10,000 page reports.
• Must commit to giving a minimum of one year's notice before leaving.
• Above all, the ideal Computer Operator must be willing to be every department's bitch.  You use the computers, therefore you should know everything about how every department functions.

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