Motorhead / Clutch / Valient Thorr The Midland, Kansas City, MO February 17, 2011

Review by: Tyree

One of the things on my own personal bucket list has always been "See Motorhead live." After tonight I am one step closer to the grave. That's okay because hard-drinking, chain smoking Motorhead vocalist Lemmy Kilmister is in his 60's and will probably outlive us all.

First I want to say that the Midland theatre is the most gorgeous theatre I will probably ever see the inside of. It was built in the 1920's and looks it with carved gods and angels and motherfucking cherubs all over the place and these fucking enamel PAINTINGS molded into the ceiling, and all these giant gothic chandeliers. It's like the set of every vampire movie ever made in there. There is not enough money in the fucking world to build a theatre like that today. I would gladly pay the price of admission just to go sit in that theatre for two hours and look at the walls with nothing going on. Unfortunately it is now owned by AMC theatres who staff it with the most intrusive event staff I have ever witnessed. I've never seen concert staff actively policing the aisles to make sure everyone was in their assigned seats or not - God forbid - standing in the wrong place. In fitting with the Midland's Gilded Age vibe I should write a strongly worded letter to the management informing you, sirs, that your valets misappropriation of magisterial authority has greatly detracted from my savoring of the evening's pageant! And I bid you good day! Harumph!

Motorhead are worth sitting through two lackluster opening bands. The first one was called Valiant Thorr and... and I don't know what was going on with them. They try to play Motorhead-style hard rock, although the bassist with the afro kept me hoping they might break into a Thin Lizzy thing at some point and they almost did. They were a lot of sound and fury signifying not very much. But the lead singer... Ugh. All shirtless and chubby with a lumberjack beard and hot pink tights he looked like a pro wrestler from the 80's. Specifically a mid-card wrestler. You know, one of the guys whose job was basically just to stand there in the ring and get beat on, giving Hulk Hogan or The Iron Shiek something to keep them from noticing their current rival sneaking up behind them with a steel chair. And whenever he wasn't singing he'd start doing this weird jogging in place thing while shaking his arms. So it's like the wrestler was trying to be a televangelist, Richard Simmons, or both.

The second band was Clutch and... meh, stoner rock. Don't get me wrong, if I was high and listening to them I'm sure I'd be seeing all sorts of magical purple starships and glowing Buddhas and just... just... be so goddamn struck by how goddamn significant everything is, man. But since I don't... meh, stoner rock.

Did I mention Motorhead were worth waiting for? Motorhead do one thing and do it well: fast, dirty nasty rock n' roll. They performed exactly as expected. Definitely an old motor with a lot of life left in it. They didn't play a few of the songs I really hoped for. (Really Lemmy? You didn't play Deaf Forever and Orgasmatron? Seriously?) But I still got to hear plenty of favorites; more than enough to satisfy me. And I guess when a band has like, twenty albums you can't expect to hear everything you want at one show.

So that's one thing off my bucket list. And one that definitely motivates me to do another thing on it: start my own musical project and record my own album. I've been motivated about it for a while, actually. But all these live shows are keeping me focused on it. And Lemmy is a good reminder that me not being in my 20's is no obstacle. I mean if he can deliver an hour-and-a-half of screaming metal every night at his age, what's my excuse?

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